May 2007 Archives
Whew. This has been a pretty intense week of training for the new job. It's been fun, and interesting, and I've stretched myself mentally and psychologically, but as they warned us, it's kind of been like drinking from a fire hose in terms of trying to take in the sheer volume of information getting thrown at us (everything from "who are all these people and where is the bathroom" to "how to create rapport during a call with a potential customer" to "these are the features of our various products" to "here's how you use the big kloodgy contact database," and so much more). I realize that it's a somewhat quixotic (not to mention overwhelming) endeavor trying to keep all the information organized and ready to hand, and I have fully given myself permission to just learn by doing (or by bumbling through it), but it's still hard to go from a sense of solidity and competency (hard-won over 9+ years of working in the same industry) to that "oh-my-god-I'm-a-clueless-newbie" space and still keep a good attitude the whole time. But I'm trying. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. This too shall pass. Feeling unsettled and uncomfortable is not only normal, it's expected. I'll get back in the competency saddle soon and until then I will try to be gentle with myself. I will continue to remind myself that I am a bold adventurer stepping confidently into the unknown and that keeping a good attitude is 90% of the battle.
All that being said, I'm still feeling very upbeat about my decision to strike out in this whole new direction. I truly feel like I just stumbled (practically blind and certainly on what most would call "mere" intuition) into something that has promise to be truly fulfilling and fun. The people are great, the company culture is great, and the actual work itself looks like it will be great (and possibly even lucrative) once I get up to speed. Go me! (And, uh, thanks Universe…I really do appreciate it.)
Today I finally moved in to my new cube (in a corner near a window, and actually quite pleasant for cubeville--I think I got really lucky), got my email and voicemail set up and got to practice a little bit of actually doing my job instead of talking about doing it. I found myself becoming a little disheartened at having to make what basically amounted to cold calls for much of the afternoon (which is hard to do when you don't have your "patter" down about what you're selling in the first place), but then realized that at least part of my funk was having not slept at all well last night (going to bed way too late plus insomniacal work-related obsessive brain spinning) combined with the aforementioned unsettled/clueless newbie feeling. So I'm going to be smart and really try to rest up this weekend--I'm sure Monday will be a challenge!
After a busy but fun weekend, wherein our procrastinating Heroine actually did do some plotwork on the novel (yay!) and spent a lovely Mother's Day with extended family, today was my last day off before I start training for the new job. I started the day with a dentist appointment and it steadily improved from there: lunch with my Oldest Bestest Friend, a walk in China Camp and hangout time with another dear friend (during which much deep and interesting conversation was had), and a nice chunk of pleasant and non-frantic time with the boys before bedtime. Now I'm using blogging as a procrastinatory device instead of trying to plan for Girlz Gamin' night tomorrow.
I have to admit, today I've been having a little bit of the "first day of school" jitters. I'm not so much worried about how I'll handle the training, or about my ability to do the job (I'm sure that kind of self-doubt/insecurity will come later, as a natural outgrowth of starting something new, but I know enough now to just ride it out and not let it conquer me). No, what I'm finally starting to jitter about is the fluffier, social anxiety stuff like "will anyone talk to me? Will they be nice to me? Will I make any friends? Where will I sit? Who will I eat lunch with? Will I remember how to get to the kitchen or the bathroom?" It seems a little silly, I know, to be caught up in the same feelings I had when I was a freshman in high school (or college, or grad school for that matter). But at least I'm aware of it for what it is, and able to poke gentle fun at myself.
So now I think I'll go pick out my outfit and go to bed so I can get plenty of sleep for my big first day.
Ok. Fine. I admit it. I've been avoiding writing (and that includes blogging). I really don't know why (or at least I don't choose to investigate at this moment), but I can feel the procrastination urge flare up as soon as I even think about opening the laptop (which by the way is no longer the beloved white chicleta of yore, but for the last month or so has been Josh's hand-me-down silver soldier PowerBook, still bravely chugging along even after massive cosmetic damage and far more powerful and capacious than the chicleta ever was). I told myself I'd have allllll week to do some writing, since I would have all this lovely time off in between jobs (a luxury I've never really had), but here we are on Friday and I haven't even blogged, let alone forced myself to sit down with my novel and get it started back up. I've done all the other procrastinatory tricks--I've cleaned the house, napped, read, organized, run errands, fixed up my writing desk…I've even painted (two paintings in a month, after hardly any painting at all for the last 5 years? Astounding. Only really bad writer's block makes *that* happen). But the writing? No. In fact I've hardly been on the computer at all, which in and of itself is unusual.
It's not that I haven't enjoyed my time off--I certainly have. Specifically, I have reveled in that particular bliss that comes from being able to just putter around my own house at my own pace choosing to do whatever I myself feel like doing at any given moment, "productive" or no. It is that feeling of going at my own pace which is the essence of vacation to me, and I feel re-acquainted with my own self, refreshed and re-energized for the hoo-ha and chaos that always comes back around in my Olympian life. I know I will be drawing heavily on this little reserve of energy to help me make it through the new, exciting and potentially exhausting times ahead that come with adjusting to a new job. But I want to carve out a little piece of that energy and save it to apply to some writing. Because it's nearly halfway through the year and I seem to recall saying that I wanted to finish the novel this year--a goal that's looking increasingly unlikely, but it ain't over til it's over, right?
Ok now I'm off to the new job to do paperwork and meet my new colleagues. More soon.
It seems that it's been such an interesting week (capped off by coming down with a fever and sore throat on Friday afternoon) that I haven't been able to actually set down any of what's been going on. All that cryptic, just hanging patiently there in the aether awaiting illumination! Sorry.
Anyway in case you don't already know (and I bet most of the 6 people reading this do), this past Monday I quit the job I have held for close to 5 years. I will be starting a new job on May 15th. A new job which is in an entirely different industry and which, while drawing on similar skills, will utilize those skills in a very different setting. For those of you paying attention (and if you haven't been I wouldn't blame you, given the general inconsistency of updates on this blog), this has been coming for quite some time: 6 months at least, and possibly more.
It is a giddy feeling, this leap of faith into an entirely different way to spend my days. I am quite proud of myself for having had the courage to leave the familiar (which, whatever its cons, had its pros as well) and try something entirely new. The last time I did this was when I left grad school over 10 years ago--but that time I left without a clear idea of where I'd go next, and I got to the place I did wind up going by coincidence (or I suppose I could say "by the design of the Universe", if you believe that kind of thing, which on any given day I'm not sure if I do or not) rather than by active choice. This time I made the choice to change my life, and I made it happen by myself. This change wasn't handed to me or forced upon me, it was an opening that I sought out and acted upon and decided was worth following up. I opened myself up to change and said "yes" instead of "I'm scared, so maybe not." I unstuck myself.
Now don't get me wrong, as much as there is pride and excitement, there is fear too: fear that I was wrong, that the new job won't be as good as I thought/hoped it would be. And grief, at losing all the familiar and pleasurable parts of the old job: good times with co-workers, a sense of competency and knowledge after having been in the same industry for almost a decade, spending my days in a neighborhood I adore (and which happened to be the same neighborhood where my mom spends her days, so that I got to see her all the time). They all mix together. That's what I was talking about with the whole oil in water thing.
Who knows what will happen when I start the new gig? I could find that the choice I made was the wrong one, and feel regret that I kicked over a good-enough gig for something not even good enough. Or I could find that the choice was a great one, and that my whole life changes for the positive. Or anywhere in between. Honestly I won't know until I've tried it for awhile, long enough to make a reasonable evaluation. And really, what's the worst thing that could happen? That I won't like it and I'll have to keep searching again for the next path, the next door. But that would be okay too.
For right now I will stay here in the limbo of not-knowing, and try to enjoy the sensation of gathering momentum, that moment before things get really fast, like when the roller coaster hauls you up, up, up, clanking and expectant, to the sky.
