Roads and Doors

(This is an entry that's been gumming up the blogworks for approximately 2 weeks now…we'll be back to our regularly scheduled lighthearted Parenthetical life-reporting soon.)

I hate to be all new-agey about this (it makes me feel so…Marin), but I feel like the Universe might possibly be trying to tell me something. The signs are relatively subtle still, and open to misinterpretation--but I'm starting to sense a pattern of some sort and that's what has my sign-from-the-Universe antennae twitching. Let's explore, shall we?

First, let's set the stage: lately I've been feeling a sort of itchy sense of general dissatisfaction with the way I spend my days. It is my general policy to never (ok, rarely) talk about work on this here publicly accessible forum, so I'm not going to go into detail, but I will say this: things have been changing at work, and my sense of personal competence and team spirit have been declining, and feelings of "is this all there is? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing, or just killing time?" are nagging at me like some sort of psychic flea bite (you know, the kind that doesn't bug you until you start scratching it, but once you do, you can't stop thinking about it?).

Now, the interesting bit that jumps out at me in what I just wrote is "supposed to". I've often had the fantasy that I'd find myself a calling some day (and I must admit that along with that I have the fear that I got distracted somehow and missed the calling), but as of yet, even though I've had several clues, I haven't been able to be *sure* enough to actually go follow any of those little floaty lights through the dark woods. I know I've written several times before about roads not taken, but since I haven't actually taken any of those roads yet, I still don't know if they're ones I should attempt or not.

Add to all this psychic uncertainty the cold hard financial fact that we're sliding back into debt again, and garnish it with the reality that if anyone is ever going to make any more money (and thereby staunch the flow of debt) in this household, it has to be me. That leaves me with potentially competing pulls: do something more personally fulfilling! Make a bunch more money! I'm just not sure what to do.

There is a temptation to use this itchy feeling as an opportunity to completely reexamine the color of my parachute --after all, why am I doing what I'm doing now, other than convenience or serendipity? I'm not knocking my current career--after all, it worked out fine while I was distracted with bearing and raising children, and I've learned a lot. There are parts that I enjoy, that I'm good at (and parts that I could be a lot better at) but in the end I come back to the reality that it's not something I chose, it's more something I fell into and have happened to stick with for the last 9+ years. Given that, what's my motivation for staying, other than the aforementioned convenience or a generalized fear of change? I'm starting to believe that the Universe is encouraging me to consider a big change in my work life--it's a gentle encouragement for now, but if I ignore it, will it become more blatant and obvious? (Probably…the Universe seems to operate that way, in my rather limited experience.) Sure, I could just go get a new job doing the same old thing, but maybe I need to stretch my horizons, and actually consider that cliché'd idea of "what would you do if you knew you could not fail"? (Or in this case, at least allow myself to think about "what would you do if you knew you could not fail AND you'd eventually find a way to make loads of cash while doing it?")

At this point I'm pretty clear on what my skills are and what I like and don't like to do. Mainly, I enjoy and I'm good with people. I'm good at and I enjoy building relationships, and helping people in some way. I'm good at and I enjoy creating stories and visuals (though I'm woefully undertrained on the visual side). I'm a good teacher and speaker. I want work that has meaning, useful work that ultimately helps other people or the world we live in. I am drawn to the major life events that all humans go through--birth, death, marriage.

So what does this all add up to? What road(s) should I take, or at least consider taking? What path(s) are opening to me, if I just take a closer look? If I choose a new one, will the old one be forever lost to me? Or are all the roads interconnected somehow--new ones, old ones, all woven into some complex map whose grand design can only really be seen from a far distance? I'm trying to release the fear that change and choice always bring with them. Although doors closing provide us the opportunity to see that other doors are opening, I also have to believe that if I choose one door, the others will not be lost to me, and that I can go back if I want or need to--because ultimately, all the roads, and all the doors, are mine to begin with.