Glad To Be Here, But In A Strangely Un-Angsty Way

Today was my annual cancer check-up. I've been in remission for 14 years now. Pretty impressive when you think about it, which, strangely, I haven't really. Thought about it, that is. Even today's check up was pretty much routine healthcare hassle for me, the way any old doctor visit is with its "sign here/wait there/poke/prod/see ya", without much emotional charge. I was a little nervous (and jokey/talkative, which is how I often deal with nervousness) in the presence of the actual doctor, but overall I felt fine (and for the record, I seem to be still firmly and pleasingly in remission.) If anything, I almost feel surprised that I didn't have *more* nervousness or other emotional juju around the appointment, and that I didn't spend more time before the appointment thinking back on the whole thing and replaying some of the memories in my head. There was a time--there have been lots of times--that all those cancer experiences were so close to the surface that they could not be ignored, and they informed much of what I thought or did. Maybe I'm just distracted by life more these days, and have less time to angst about or even reflect back on the lived experience of and lessons learned from the cancer discovery and treatments (and aftermath); maybe it's really true that time does begin to heal all wounds, that my whole cancer experience has finally been so digested by my psyche that it's now just a past-tense, biographical fact, not a current-tense, perspective-shifting touchstone. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that having had (and survived) cancer was a life-changing experience, a blessing in disguise even, but unlike times before, I didn't really feel that rush of "glad to be here" that I have in the past. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired and cranky today. (Imagine that.) Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently.

Can you believe I'm angsting about how I'm not angsting? Sheesh. Talk about postmodern reflexive navel-gazing. This entry veered off somewhere I didn't really expect it to go, but I'll leave it there. For the record, I am still very, very glad to be here, and if the attitude o' gratitude isn't especially prominent today, I'm sure it will come back around with the next crisis. (Not, oh occasionally cruel and capricious Universe, that I am in any way suggesting that now might be a good time for a crisis, because I *swear* I've learned my lesson. Lessons. All of 'em. Really.) Or even before then.