Notes to My Future Self: Quit Olympic Team, Move Out Of Mudville
Warning: this is a totally self-indulgent, whiny, "gotta-get-this-crap-outta-my-head-before-it-poisons-me" kind of post. I've been pretty sick the last few days (strep throat, oh lucky me) and so my attitude right now is perhaps a bit more cranky and overwhelmed than usual, but also, I feel like this topic has been churning around in me for awhile now.
Adulthood sucks. I know I've mentioned this before. But really, there's no joy in Mudville right now. There is only suck-it-up and slogging. It's the same old crap, the usual kind of "high-level complaining" that almost makes me ashamed to write it down. (I mean, it's not like I'm dealing with homelessness, divorce, serious illnesses, financial ruin or other honest-to-goodness tragedies.) There is the paid work, there is the parenting work, there is the keeping-a-house-and-a-social-life-together work. There are all these living things dependent on me: kids, pets, even the frikking plants, which I can barely seem to keep from completely expiring by watering them every few weeks. I am hurtling along without enough rest, without enough warmth, without enough time to even really think about what I'm doing to my long-term mental and physical health merely in order to survive today's challenges. I am like some short-sighted, government-subsidized logging company, gobbling up my precious resources left and right with no regard for any of that namby-pamby, green-schmeen sustainable fallow-time practices. I know someday I will crash and burn--but today is not that day. Yet.
(Yeah, the metaphors are mixin', a sure sign of tiredness. But on I press.)
I had a realization bubble up to the surface this morning: I'm lonely. (Listen, future self, assuming that you're still around after all this wanton pillaging that's been taking place around here, I want you to know that this is how you felt back then.) I slog, and I suck it up, and I slog some more, and no one cares. Chronically underslept? Body breaking down? Feeling sick? Needing some personal downtime? Too bad. No one cares. Everyone's got their own slogging or distractions, and in the meantime the cat still needs her meds and the dishes still need to be done. The kids still have to be hugged or praised or disciplined, they still have to eat breakfast and get dressed and eat dinner and be put to bed and they aren't going to do it by themselves. Projects need to move forward at work and the boss doesn't care if you have other things pulling at you. So just quit whining and get organized and Get It Done (whatever "It" is) because ultimately, you're on your own, Mama. Any help you get is just bonus sprinkles on the cupcake icing.
I just want someone to be *my* mama for a little while, to soothe the boo-boos and help with the hard stuff. I want someone to fuss over me when I don't feel good and put me to bed when I need it, to sing my praises and tell me what a good job I'm doing; I want someone else to be in charge for a little while, someone else to set the boundaries and tell me what to do and how to do it.
Or maybe I just need an actual, honest-to-goodness vacation. That might help too.
Oh Julia, you know I feel your pain. I could have written that myself you know? My days are full of TBC - Taking Care of Business from the 5:00am alarm bell to 9:00pm when the last dish is done, lunch made and trip slip signed. As you know, a few months ago I made a decision to cut back nmy work hours in order to make some more time for getting things done and taking care of myself. It was a big financial hit, but we're weathering it - the cars will have to last a little longer, I can make due with the clothes in my closet, and maybe we won't go to Disneyland this year. I also haven't gotten passed the guilt I feel each Monday when feel like I "should" be using that time off for work, but I'm working on that. That may or may not be an option for you - but I think that this recurring theme is you telling yourself that the way you've set up your life is not working for you, and it may be time to make some changes. Can you take a day off at work - even every other week? Can you cut back on social obligations? Can you set yourself up for a sabbatical? Quit your job, take 6 months to calm down and reenergize yourself, and find a new one or start something else? Can you ask for more help from Josh, your mom, etc? A friend of mine once put it this way, "What do you want, and what are you willing to sacrifice for it?"
But yeah, adulthood sucks, and I yearn too for someone to come and take some of this burden off of me, and "make it all better." Too bad its too late for me to have a rich husband or some weathly teetering-on-death eccentric relative who will leave me her millions. Sometimes I get myself all worked up and focus my venom at the rarifed species known as the "Marin Mom" - the fit, thin, blond woman in the $45K SUV who has a husband who meets all of her financial needs, a cleaning lady who keeps her house clean and even a babysitter from time to time. What do these women do all day and do they ever worry about anything? And why didn't I sign up for THAT plan!
But pls. know that you're NOT alone, there are millions of women in your boat - but I think that while in the 1950's the "disease with no name " was that housewives were unsatisfied with their lives, the "direty little secret" of the new millennium is that their grandaughters are not much more satisfied with theirs.
"Having it all" is not what's it's cracked up to be, and I think that just like in the 60's, the more we reach out and share our true feelings and experiences, the less alone we will feel. As they say (or I guess said) sisterhood is powerfull.
Ok I've hijaked your blag enough with my ramblings...
Xox,
-Lara
I'm so sorry, sweetie! I can relate (although I don't have kids). I agree with Lara, though...it may be the signs from the universe telling you take matters into your own hands and maybe *gulp* ask for some help? Or insist on change somehow? Easier said than done, I know, but it really sucks to be a grownup sometimes!
You know, it's some kind of pathetic when you have to talk to your wife over a blog instead of in person, but honey -- I am lonely too and I miss you. We can work this out together, and though we're both totally overwhelmed in our lives and parenting and animal management, please let's not forget that we're here together and should be each others' best advocates, and touchstones, support, mommies and daddies, soothers, comforters, lovers, snugglers, helpers and relief staff. I'm willing to push and help you when you need it most. All I need is the word. I'm so distracted by my own overwhelm that I don't always notice when you're at your own wits end until it's too late and you've collapsed and crank out in a richter 9.7 fashion. But that's not because I don't care. Perhaps it's the Y-chromasome :). But seriously, here I am, your partner, and ready to support you.
The other side is, we need to streamline and simplify, plan and execute efficiently. We both have entirely too much on our plates, and don't leave ourselves the right amount of time to do anything we really need to.
And yes, let's talk about that vacation. :)
I love you honey. You're gonna make it. Don't quit the team, because I know you can win the gold.
Words fail me but please consider this a virtual hug.
I wish I had THE answer for ya. Knowing it gets better doesn't help. And I remember from when I've been in the middle of grown-up "where's the love?" hell that suggestions to make changes somehow don't really help, either. But sharing the frustration and exhaustion and writing about the misery has helped me, and I can only hope that it opens up enough space for you, too, that you can take one or two extra breaths. Step outside. Spend 45 seconds staring at a tree. If you break down and sob, that's ok. If you stare at the tree and hate it for its simple demand-free life, that's ok. If you find that 45 minutes have passed instead of 45 seconds & you can't say what you've been thinking, that's ok. Just know that you ARE loved, ARE supported, and it's ok to cry "uncle" before the very last straw.
I don't read or respond to blogs much. Actually not at all. But I just saw you and we didn't really have time to talk about this.
Jul, you need to ask for help. I understand how you feel, I get stressed out and it has taken me years to learn how to ask for help and not feel guilty about it. (and sometimes I still do.)But the truth is, we all need help. We need help alot. Because even though we are adults we don't know it all, we all get tired and we all falter.
You need to ask for help. Other people might seem busy, but I think that that is what we tell ourselves to get out of asking for help. We tell ourselves that other people are busy or that they won't care, but in reality, most people are lonely and want to connent with other people, just like you. Also, people love to help other people. It makes us feel better about ourselves and it makes us feel more connected to those that we helped. Which is really all we want.... to feel a deep connection... to something.
It is hard to do sometimes, we have a million reasons why we shouldn't, but you need to do it. Ask Josh, ask family, ask friends, just start asking. I promise that it will make you feel better.
I love you Jul and I will help however I can. Just tall me what you need.
Jen
OK, so, well, this is not a very good place to do this, but I will strike while the iron is hot.
Y'all need to do less.
I have been in your lives for a long time, been reading your blogs, visiting on Friday nights, etc. etc. and it has become abundantly clear to me that I can make the full-blown and unasked-for harsh and critical judgement on your lives: you are too busy. All the complaints for so many months (years?) that you're so tired, etc. have not fallen on deaf ears, but they have worn thin when we are also exposed to your conscious, active decisions to involve yourself in so many damn things. Now, I understand about having a life outside family and work, I really do. Ask Heather about not calling her on Saturday night until 9:30 *am* to tell her I'd be home at 10, after spinning a birthday party in the city. OOPS. But still, your lives are just... There's no word for it. Just STOP! Kill some activities, focus on the most rewarding ones, get enough sleep (I know, insomnia, but please still try) and just kick it on the couch, with the computer *off* (preferably not even charging in the corner) and TV off and kids rolling around, holding each other. Do this 2 nights a week, for the next 4 weeks. See what happens. I think you will be very, very surprised.