Mall-Crawling As Olympic Sport

What, what, WHAT was I thinking when I so blithely agreed to meet my sister-in-law at the hugemongous Roseville Galleria mall on a holiday afternoon? AT THE JC PENNEY PHOTO DEPARTMENT? Imagine, if you will, about a trillion and a half impatient parents and grandparents with all sorts of kids (from babies to grade schoolers) all dressed up in their fancy outfits, jammed into one waiting room while the frenzied staff tried to maintain some semblance of their required customer-service politeness while at the same time trying to get all the recalcitrant kids to "smile, princess!" And did I mention that they were running about an hour late? Ooooo yeah it was quite a scene. And I must say that my sis-in-law and I (who had a 7 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a baby between us, and two huge strollers) clearly deserve big, shiny gold medals for our ability to keep it together during this event (not to mention actually emerge with some halfway cute pictures after it was all over). Talk about your grace under pressure. My most inspired moment of invention: I actually threatened to drop my pants and show the kids my butt if they would just sit up and smile at the camera. (No, I didn't *actually* show them my butt. But yes, the novelty of the offer sure did work.)

And as if our experience in the picture-taking circle of hell wasn't enough mall-crawling fun for two moms and four kids, we then took everyone to the food court for lunch. The food court, my friends, in a mall approximately the size of New Jersey, on a holiday weekend, is not a friendly place. Finding a table and chairs for the 6 of us was the first part of the triathalon; waiting in incredibly long lines for the 3 different kinds of food the kids all wanted was the second part. And the third part, of course, was getting the kids to all *eat* their food, while sitting, and not killing each other (or us). But I like to think that we were again handed the double gold here not just for these big accomplishments, but for the little details which make all the difference in an experience like this: had we brought snacks to head off meltdown? Check. Did we get everyone to go potty when needed? Check. Did we invent games and activities to make the waiting less painful? Check. Did we remember to wipe table, hands and faces with antibacterial wipes? Check. Did we deal swiftly and painlessly with spilled lemon chillers? Check. Did we fend off tantrums over not getting McDonald's Happy Meals with the strategic and repeated use of that most powerful parental word ("NO")? Check. Did we head off any fighting over who got to eat the last piece of corn dog? Check. Did we coerce everyone into finishing their own meals while gobbling down our own at the speed of light? Oh yes. Yes we did. And we even emerged from this experience relatively unscathed, though definitely exhausted. We were rockstar superheroines, parental olympians of the highest quality.

And I have to say that my sister-in-law wins the special Gunga Din award for bravery, because after we spent 4 hours at the mall doing all of the above (plus a carousel ride and much additional wrangling), she then took my 4 year old and his car seat and drove him away to their house for the weekend. I can only imagine the chaos and the din of that drive home, with three kids in the back seat. The baby and I drove the two hours back (through rush hour traffic) to our house in relative peace, given that the baby conked out as soon as we left the mall parking lot.

So yeah, those of you who think you can parent, and parent well under pressure? I dare you to compete against me in the Olympic Mall-Crawl event. (And no, Rebecca, this is not a *real* dare. Just a metaphorical one. So don't worry.) I am a world champion.