A Crisis of Confidence
I used to have a little framed card on my desk, back when I was in college. It was made by an artist named Renee who does gorgeous loose watercolor illustrations (often with botanical themes) with calligraphied quotes on them. This one had a little pink flower and the quote on it said: "A crisis of confidence is to be expected every now and then." I took (and still take) a lot of comfort from this saying--it reassured and reminded me that the periodic feelings of "I can't do this" were normal (and in fact inevitable) and therefore not to be feared, just endured. Everyone has 'em, they come and eventually, always, they go. Reassuring.
Well anyway I seem to be having one o' them pesky crises now, not so much in the way you might be thinking, that I'm lacking confidence in my working mama of two kids NADM balancing act lifestyle, but creatively. More specifically, I am having a major yawning-chasm type crisis about my novel. You know (or maybe you don't), the one I've been slogging along writing for the last TWO YEARS, and complaining about intermittently (and often parenthetically) on this very blog? Yeah, that one. I carved out a whole precious day to spend at what would otherwise have been a truly lovely and inspirational writer's retreat out at Stinson with the PWG gals, and I wound up spinning my wheels all day, pretty much. I was hoping that having a whole day to just sit with the project and figure out what the problems were and come up with some solutions would help get me moving forward again, but no. I'm still stuck, and frustrated. I am seriously starting to wonder if I'd be better off scrapping the whole thing and starting over, either with an entirely different plot but the same world and characters, or on a whole new book.
Yes, I am admitting this out loud to the internet (and more importantly to my fellow writers in the PWG whom I know read this, but whom I have been too chicken to just talk to about this, probably because I know they'll just be all supportive and, you know, helpful. Apparently I'd rather wallow). Now, I know that this is all probably just one of those run-of-the-mill, normal, expected crises of confidence. I know that things are always darkest before the dawn, yadda yadda, and maybe I'm actually right on the verge of a breakthrough and I just need to hang in there blablabla. (And yes, I need some more sleep.) Sure. I do love my characters, and my world, and I don't want to just pack them up and never see them again. And the writing urge is obviously alive and well, that's not the problem. Here's the problem: I just really have no idea where this story is going anymore, how it will end, or what the point of it all is. So what if (she said plaintively, unable to resist the melodrama) it really is time to just cut my losses and move on to a new project? Are there some things that just can't be fixed? I don't know. I just don't know where to go from here. I want to just write, that's all--to know what comes next, to get back into the nitty gritty of the crafting and the imagining and the details of this particular word, that descriptive sentence/line of dialogue. This big picture stuff keeps making my head hurt and my confidence crack. Maybe it is at least time to let the field lie fallow for awhile, or to stop drawing water and let the well fill back up, as I'm so fond of saying. Or maybe these are excuses, and I really just need to quit whining and power through the fear and keep putting one metaphorical writer's foot in front of the other, just keep on typing and hope that the muse shows up at some point. I just can't tell.
At least I can always say that I saw this crisis coming, that it was expected.
Reassuring.
Really. Do. Whatever. You. Need. To. Do. :)
It'll all work out SO fine. And nothing you've done so far will be for naught. I'm looking forward to reading your writing (this novel or a totally new work), even if it means waiting for it while you just let the well fill up again. That's all I have to say. That, and Whale Cheese.
Or maybe you just need to take a purposeful break? Come back to it...whenever! It's not a loss, it's a project on hold. Then, when you get The Idea, you can go right back. In the meantime, you could start on something else, knowing that it too could be a project that just does its thing. Projects have a way of doing that. :) Eventually, you'll either get the confidence/inspiration to finish it, or, you just let it be as it is. Either way, it's okay.
I know with your schedule you have to set aside time to write, but believe me, scheduling time to be creative is the sure fire way of getting writers block. I say set the novel aside, don't scrap it, just go back to it when you are inspired. And in the mealtime if you are inspired to work on something else, then so be it - what is the harm in having two writing projects at the same time? You might even find the inspiration for the project you're stuck on in working on something else. One of the wonderful things about being a writer is that blank piece of paper (or computer file) you can create anything you want - it's totally yours, it can go anywhere you want and the worst thing you can do is put limitations on yourself or try to force creativity or inspiration when it's not there, but believe me it will come back, and where the story is going will suddenly become clear, and you will finish it. But for now if the project you're working on is giving you trouble, take a step back (even if you feel like you've been taking a step back for a long time now) and work on something else - or do the things that help you to become inspired. For me, watching favorite films, reading novels I love or talking with other creative people helps quite a bit.
You'll get there sweetie, just be patient. You can do it, and you will.
Having only recently attempted this whole "writing" (I use quotes because, until someone reads it and tells me otherwise, I am fairly certain whatever I am doing is so unlike writing that a new gerund needs to be created for it) thing, I have some more-than-likely useless advice: get a decent night's rest. I know in Casa de J, sleep is a commodity more valuable than precious stones or tasty pasties ;) But, it helped me. Also, don't be afraid not to do anything with your story for a while. Like I said, though, I'm a n00b. :)