May 2005 Archives

Something has started shifting over the last week or so, or at least I prefer to think it has (yes, I will grab onto the least bit of evidence to support my theory du jour, like a crab with abandonment issues). I feel like I am slowly starting to get my groove back. Now, before that outrageously hubristic statement brings down karmic lightning bolts of sleepless nights and projectile vomiting (to name just a few of my favorite kid-related lightning bolts), let me just qualify and say again that it's *slow* and I'm just *starting* to even consider the concept of perhaps possibly one day getting my groove back. And what do I mean by that, anyway? Here's what I mean. Bear with me.

Over the last week or so, given that things with Isaac are starting to veer towards some sort of actual schedule, I've started resuming activities from my old life. Last week, I had a working lunch meeting with my boss and coworker about the tradeshow in NYC I'll be attending during my second week back at work (with baby in tow! God, I'm insane...stay tuned). A few days ago, I went out to lunch (sans baby!) in the city with my birthday club girlfriends. A couple days after that, I went to my first post-baby writer's group meeting (and actually accepted some accountability to get some new writing done...eek!). Today, I went to my first post-baby yoga class. And I'm blogging for the third night in a row. The basics of Julie-life are returning. (What's next, painting and scrapbooking? Date nights with my husband? Woah. Hold me back.)

On the other hand, unless some special arrangement is made (and special arrangements require space shuttle launch-like planning, along with an extra helping of mama-guilt), most days I still only have about two hours of guilt-free, unqualified free time after both kids are in bed, and by the time that chunk of time rolls around I'm often too tired to do much besides surf the internet and read. So, just like before, not a lot of time to be spent on my own pursuits. But I'm getting there. Maybe I'll even get to do all these Julie-life things again soon. I'm going to try not to get cocky about even this limited amount of groove coming back, for fear of jinxing it or chasing it away again. But for now, in this moment, today: yay!

Today (Memorial Day, that is, not May 30th) marks the 13th anniversary of my offically pronounced medical "all-clear"; in other words, after undergoing batteries of unpleasant tests, major abdominal staging surgery (with bonus splenectomy!) and 9 grueling weeks of daily radiation treatments, I was declared to be in remission from my bout with Hodgkin's disease. It was a different kind of war and I'm a different kind of veteran than this day is supposed to celebrate, but I feel permanently, irrevocably marked like a survivor nonetheless.

Today's feelings are therefore a combination of "thank you", "fuck you" and "yup, still really glad to be here". Go tell your loved ones that you love them.

Peace out.

No, there's no special reason why I haven't been blogging. Except maybe that I've been sort of putting off my Revenge of the Sith review, because collecting my thoughts into a coherent review seemed so...um...organized. So forthwith, a brief review just to get it off my mental plate (not that anyone probably cares about my opinion, but what the hell).

Spoilers aplenty; proceed at your own risk.

Time's been slipping by, oily and smooth like a bite of pudding. Mr. Baby continues to get fatter and cuter and more interactive every day. I have no idea why I've been so...not compelled to blog. I'm actually getting decent amounts of sleep most nights, and my days are not totally one-handed anymore, but blogging just hasn't been priority lately. Weird. I might as well start it up again though, because strangely enough the more you write, the more you want to write, and the less you write, the less you want to write. Funny, that.

Anyway! I have wasted so much time surfing around on the 'net tonight that I have just a couple little things to put down here before bedtime.

1) Yes, I have seen Revenge of the Sith already. Twice. I will do a review in a separate entry, there's much to say and I have no patience for it now. In a nutshell though: I liked it best of the most recent three, but I was disappointed in some of it. Totally worth seeing though. And R2-D2 rocks the free world.

2) My old friend the Attorney Wrangler now has a blog. She's such an excellent writer, and I've been nagging her for the longest time to start her own blog. She's always sent out little observations and stories to a mailing list of her friends, so she's pretty much already been doing a blog, but keeping it private. We cornered her the other night when she was over for dinner and got her set up on our server so that she had nothing left to stop her. You should all go read her site and welcome her to the blogosphere.

3) Recent books read:
-Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond (ok, well, I'm about 3 chapters from the end of this actually, but even though I'm having a hard time finishing it, I thought it was a tremendously great book, illuminating and nicely written)
-My Year of Meats by Ruth Ozeki (excellent book--quirky, original topic, beautifully written, great characters...I really liked this book)
-The Girl Who Played Go by Shan Sa (a little gem of a book, which although artfully written, was just not my style and therefore I didn't enjoy it as much as others I know who've read it did)

4) The baby was sick again last weekend (just another cold, thanks for asking) but has been improving all week. Yesterday, however, I finally caught the damn cold and now I'm feeling sorry for myself. At least it's a mild one (so far, knock on wood and all that).

5) I've been getting comments on my novel from Critters, and they're making me want to just fiddle with what I've already written rather than keep going and write new stuff. This is potentially dangerous. I feel like the whole thing is so...stopped. On hold. Which it is, I guess. Someday the muse will come back. Maybe I need to indulge in some sort of ritual sacrifice or something.

That'll have to do. I once again have stayed up too late. So much for that "mmm, bath" idea.

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to do a brief shout out to some of the mamas who have been (and who continue to be) influential, inspirational and just plain in my life. This is not to deny my many wonderful auntie and auntie-like friends and family members--they too are completely rockin' (and hopefully you know who you are) and deserve much kudos. But this particular entry is about mamas in all their glory.

First off, and with definite pride of place: my mom. How can I even begin to express what a huge effect she has had on my own mothering (let alone the rest of my self and life)? I am one of those lucky, lucky gals who not only looks back fondly at my own childhood, but has maintained a truly nourishing and warm relationship with the woman who raised me. (My mom is, without a doubt, my best friend--that alone should tell you how great she is.) I think my mom did a superb job of raising me and my brother (and yes, she was a working mama), and she continues to give selflessly and often of her time, attention, approval, support and love to both her children and now her grandchildren. How can you not love that? My mom taught me some of the most important life lessons and parenting lessons I know (and use): To Thine Own Self Be True. Be Excellent To Each Other. Gauge Your Audience. This Too Shall Pass. Be Gentle With Yourself. Help When You Can. Pay Attention To Detail. You Catch More Flies With Honey Than You Do With Vinegar. Listen. The Glass Is Half Full. Art Matters. Hug and Kiss (and Pinch) Your Children As Often As Possible. And so many more...

And now for just a smattering of other mamas who have taught, shown, befriended, amused, and impressed me, women without whom I would be a far, far more emotionally impoverished individual:

-Anji, my best friend from college, was the first one of my friends to become a mama, and the first to become a mom of two (two boys, no less). I was honored to be present for the birth of her first son, and I will never forget that experience. So the first thing I learned from her was not to be afraid of birth, and that the first appearance of the baby was a truly magical experience and worth all the pain and suffering that might precede it. I also have always admired her no-nonsense, firm but loving mothering style--she is strict with her boys, but they know she loves them, and they've both turned out beautifully. And she's always been a good working mama role-model too--she pulls it all off and makes it look easy.

-Lara, first my coworker and then my friend, was my mama-mentor when I was pregnant with Eli, and continues to inspire and instruct me in ways both big and small. Another working mama, she has a fun and fierce mothering style that is a fabulous blend of pragmatic, irreverent, intelligent, and above all, loving. I aspire to nothing less. From her I learned that the big parenting transitions we dread (solid foods, potty training, going to daycare/school, etc) often turn out to be a lot less dreadful (and sometimes even relatively easy) when we finally get to them, so it does no good to make yourself all anxious about them ahead of time. She and I also talk all the time about "pragmatic parenting"--the philosophy of just doing what seems best to you at the time and not worrying about whether it's politically (or parentally) correct or not. If it works for your child and your family, it works. And may I just say that her son, Max, in addition to being incredibly cute and well-socialized, has great taste in clothes (since we get all his hand-me-downs, I'm required to say this).

-Michelle was another friend from long ago who had a child (in fact, two children) before I did, and from her I learned how to listen closely to my children in order to understand what they really need and want, and that it was equally important to put their needs first and to give myself a break. She does stay-at-home mamahood with a grace and style that totally inspires me, but isn't afraid to bitch about how hard it is from time to time.

-Galila is a friend of nearly 20 years now, and although we were somewhat out of touch when we both had our first children, now we both have two and can relate more than ever. Her style of mothering is thoughtful and conscious, incredibly present, respectful, and supportive of her children, yet with that same sly pinch of humor and pragmatism that all my mama-friends seem to have. She too does stay-at-home mamahood with what seems from the outside to be a zen sort of grace, which I truly admire. And her kids are pretty damn wonderful little beings, so she's clearly doing mamahood right.

-Jen was my pregnancy buddy, and our first children were born only a month apart. We bonded over our big, blossoming (and bloated) bodies, and then over our beautiful newborns, breastfeeding, and the transition to motherhood. I will never forget our visits to each other's houses where we would put the babies down on blankets together (or later, let them crawl and then toddle around together) and have hours of deep, philosophical (albeit constantly interrupted) conversations about the nature of motherhood and life. She taught me (or maybe we learned together) that we could go out and about with our babies--I'll always remember sitting in a car together breastfeeding after a big field trip to Target. She also taught me that sometimes you need to just try things out in your parenting--if what you try doesn't work, try something else. And she has always been an inspiration to me when it comes to natural childbirth and all kinds of "alternative" health issues. Now that we have our second children, who are only 6 months apart, we have been spending even more time mothering in each others' company, which I love. Our kids love each other, our husbands love each other, and we love each other. What could be better?

-Linda is one of the mamas I met in my mom's support group that I joined when Eli was a baby and I was going crazy trying to figure out what to do with this new and fragile little being I'd created and was now completely responsible for. She has got to be one of the most loving, open, loyal, helpful people (and mamas) I know. She would seriously give her family (and her friends) anything, if she could. She is full of good ideas and advice about anything under the sun, and such a good friend to just talk talk talk with, about parenting, about life, about anything. I have always admired how she gives her son what seem like to me to be elaborate, multi-item meals (we can barely manage two things on a plate for dinner: macaroni, and cheese), and how she set up a beautifully laid out play area with everything labeled and sorted. Maybe someday I'll get there. Maybe.

-Michelene is another mama I met in the mom's support group, at the same time as Linda, and shares many of the same characteristics as Linda--great fun to gab with, thoughtful, considerate, giving and funny. She is now a single working mama, and wow, do I respect that. Her approach to mothering her son is so empowering--I'll never forget one time we were over there and hearing her tell her son (who had been banging on the bathroom mirror with a toy) that she didn't want him to continue with his behavior, and that she knew he'd be able to make a good choice in this situation. I've used that trick myself many times.

-Rebecca is one-third of my writer's group, and even though I haven't had much actual face-time with her kids, I feel like I know them and know her mothering style just from having read her blog for the past year. Like pretty much all the moms in this list, she combines a conscious, thoughtful, respectful, and deeply loving mothering style with a good size helpin' of humor and sass. I like that in a mama. She too is a working mama, and has taught me that being a martyr and an overachiever, while sometimes necessary (and helpful for providing the fodder for a good story), is not an end in itself. There is more to a working mama than working and taking care of her family. And damn, her kids are a crackup, and wonderful human beings in progress.

I think this list could probably keep going on and on, but if I don't post this soon, I'll have to wind up ignoring my own children in order to finish it. And what kind of mama would that make me, neglecting my own children for the sake of my writing? Hmm.

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Ok, so given Eli's recent Star Wars obsession, we've had Star Wars on the brain quite a bit around Casa de J lately (yes, yes, more than usual, thanks for asking). Here are a few little Star Wars-related smidgens from today (WARNING: geekery ahead):

-Eli apparently did not realize until today that the movies are called "Star WARS" and not "Star WORSE". I discovered this after he asked me this morning "why is it Star Worse? What's worse?" This goes along with my other recent discovery that he thought those long glowing swords were "lightsavers" not "lightsabers". I admit that I laughed at my own kid. (This is the same kid who also thought it was "Dark Vader" for awhile, and who asked the famous question "What's under a stormtrooper?", to which, in my infinite snarkiness, I could only reply "the ground".)

-The more I watch the movies, the more holes I see in the logic of the Star Wars universe. For example, after watching A New Hope for the zillionth time this evening with Eli, here are today's questions: 1) Why in the world would Luke's uncle Owen need to buy an R2 unit for his moisture vaporator farm? From what I understand, R2 units are astromech droids, used to, you know, help fly fighter pilots. It doesn't make any sense to me. 2) Why wouldn't they serve droids at the Cantina at Mos Eisley? If droids are stupid enough to want to buy something they can't actually consume (e.g. food and drink), why not let 'em? Is it just that they're taking up space that paying customers might?

-You have to check out this funny little article about "how lightsabers work". I especially like the pictures towards the end of the article that show common household uses for your lightsaber.

That's it for now. I'll try not to do any more Star Wars geeking until Ep III is finally out (and yes, I'll be going to the midnight show, thanks to Lisa, who's graciously agreed to babysit). But if Eli keeps coming up with more good lines, I might have to.

Oh yeah and by the way, Isaac was much better tonight. Hence the silly blog post.

Whew. We just had a really rough couple of hours with Isaac. He was the most unhappy screaming/crying he's ever been, starting without warning a few minutes after I'd nursed him at around 6 this evening, until about 20 minutes ago when he finally conked out. It seemed like his tummy/intestinal system was hurting him, but it was hard to tell exactly what was hurting. Twice we tried to give him some gripewater and twice he vomited spectacularly. You could tell he was just over the top in pain, and couldn't do anything but cry and scream himself hoarse. It was absolutely heartrending and unbearable, the kind of crying that makes you want to do anything, just anything to make it stop (walk over hot coals? Sure! Slit open a vein? No problem! Anything to make my baby stop hurting). Those moments when he stopped were such a relief, and after he finally started feeling better and fell asleep Josh and I were left totally shell-shocked. Luckily my mom happened to be over for dinner too, so she was able to help both with spelling us with Isaac and with wrangling Eli so we could deal with Isaac.

We suspect the culprit was the two vaccinations he received earlier today (Hep B and Hib), since we've never heard him freak out like this. I called the after hours advice nurse and she said to give him some Tylenol, wait half an hour, and then nurse him a little, then nurse him some more if that went okay (they were obviously the most concerned about the vomiting). So we did, and the Tylenol really seemed to help. I held him and rocked him and he totally calmed down after a few minutes.

Interestingly, the silver lining in all this is that while we were rocking, Isaac wound up in a position where his hand was near his mouth and he started sucking on his hand. (He was probably starving because he'd barfed up his previous nursing.) I helped him move his hand around to find a good place to suck on (which eventually wound up being his thumb) and that kept him calm and happy for a good 20 minutes. I nursed him and then after that he sucked on his thumb some more. I am so excited that he has finally found a way to self-calm, even if he can't quite control his hands yet.

God I hope he stays asleep tonight. He's been doing so well with getting on a schedule at night, I've already gotten dependent on it. What I really should do is stop screwing around in here and go to bed, but let me just back up and jot down a few more things for the record first.

Today was a super busy day (and it was wildly successful until this evening's meltdown). We started out by going to the BSG (where Mr. Fatty weighed in at 14 lbs 2 oz!) and then from there we went over to San Anselmo to see Mom and to go out to lunch with my coworkers, and then off to Isaac's doctor appointment. Isaac was a bit fussy at the end of the BSG but then after I nursed him the second time he conked out and stayed asleep all the way through lunch (ahh the sheer pleasure of being able to eat a whole meal in peace, without gobbling) and until we got to the doctor's office. (For the record, he's 14 lbs 2 oz, 25" long, and has a head circumference of just over 15", which puts him at 97%, 100% and 50% respectively. Go Fatty Fat Boy!) Even in the doctor's office he was pretty mellow and only cried a little bit when the shots went in, then he was fine and nursed and then conked out again. He was so conked that I was able to stop off at Safeway on the way home, then go pick up Eli at daycare, and he slept the whole time, until well after we got home. I even had time to put away the groceries and everything. Go me!

Some other Isaac observations: he's nearly out of his size 1 diapers, and I think he's pretty much outgrown the newborn/0-3 month clothes too. Love that biggy big boy! He's getting really good at holding his head up, and he's definitely social smiling now (although he's still not tracking really well). Those moments when he cracks a big grin and looks you right in the eye are complete parent crack--you get a huge hit of joy off it and you'll do anything to get it again.

Ok I'd better stop now and go to bed. I think I'm over my post-traumatic stress now and I should tank up on sleep for tomorrow. And who knows what tonight will still bring. Sigh...parenting, never a dull moment.

Today we had a double playdate (as in, two moms, with two four year olds and two babies) with my friend Galila and her kids Jenna and Aaron. It was an odd combination of exhilarating (to see my dear friend, to have a fabulously competent partner in the parenting dance) and exhausting (to be wrangling all those kids with all their separate needs). My mom was there too (like she always is on Tuesdays) and a good thing too, because I was nearly overwhelmed in the ebb and flow of the day with its myriad challenges: lunch, nursing, negotiations over play, finding appropriate toys and gear for the older baby, dealing with a fussy newborn wailing at the top of his lungs, getting everyone dressed and changed and out of the house to go to the playground...whew. I admit it, I had coffee today. Lots of coffee. (Fetchingly served, I must say, in my brand new super gorgeous black and gold egg-shell china that I just inherited from my grandmother. But more on that in another post.)

Doing crazy playdates like this really is a different way to spend time with your friends (it's no leisurely coffee date or stroll through the mall), but when done with the right friend (like Galila or my other mama-friend Jen), it's quite satisfying (not to mention a bonding experience like no other). There are moments of shared laughter at the antics of our adorable offspring, shared post-traumatic stress after some particularly hectic wrangling (like this afternoon when Eli gagged on a hair in his mouth and barfed up his whole lunch, at the same time as the baby started screaming--and I do mean screaming--to be fed), as well as shared appreciation of those moments of quiet where we can look at each other and really enjoy the brief break (and sometimes even catch up on important conversations). I've said this before but I'll say it again: parenting is not for the weak of body, mind or heart. (Rebecca knows what I'm talking about.)

I swear this is not hubris (so no lightning bolts or jinxes coming my way, please), but last night, the baby slept through the night. Technically, anyway, since in order to meet the formal criteria apprarently he only has to sleep for 6 consecutive hours, which he did last night, from 10pm til 4am. This is especially amazing because he's been sick since Friday (just a little snotty-nosed cold, thanks for asking). And I bet he would have slept at least another half hour or so, but I woke him up because I was too uncomfortable to wait and I didn't want to pump and then have him wake up and want to nurse. Even better, after I nursed him at 4 I went back to sleep at 4:30 and got another 2 hours of sleep until he woke up again, at which point Josh got up and got him and I went back to sleep for another hour. Woah.

I don't know whether this whole sleeping through the night thing will last...it probably won't. (And I'll probably pay for talking about it by having to get up 5 times tonight.) But it's a good sign, that there's a trend towards more sleep coming. Or at least that's how I choose to interpret it. I tell you, I almost didn't know what to do with my fabulous well-rested self today. I felt nearly normal, so much so that when the baby took a nice long morning nap, I zoomed around and cleaned the house (instead of sleeping). I did all kinds of silly little puttery things I wanted to do, like arranging flowers in vases, clipping the cats' nails, moving furniture around (we're still trying to assimilate a bunch of things we got from my grandparents' house), as well as the usual laundry/dishes/sweeping stuff. (I feel so...so...housewifeish talking about all this. What has my world come to?)

Ok, so I will talk about something else then. Let's see...

Yesterday I met up with my friend Linda and she and I took the baby and drove to Alameda to see our friend Michelene, who was in need of some girlfriend consult, as she is thinking of moving to Florida (which of course, as good girlfriends, we encouraged her to do, because it's good for her, even though selfishly we want her to stay). On the way there, we had the dramatic experience of getting in a car accident--luckily one of those minor "oh-my-god-the-guy-in-front-of-me-is-stopping-really-suddenly-oh-shit-THUMP" heart racing kind, not anything serious involving airbag deployment or tow trucks. (In fact the baby slept through the whole thing.) The good news is that the guy I hit didn't want to bother with insurance exchange (because of course he was in a great big burly pickup truck and it didn't even get scratched, while my poor wagon got a big scratch, dent, and popped grill from his trailer hitch). The bad news is that my poor car got the worst of it, and realistically I probably won't even bother to spend the couple grand to fix it. And of course the really good news is that no one was hurt--as Linda said "wow, there was an angel watching out for us."

But other than that dramatic interlude, we had a great visit. ("Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?") I do dearly love my mama-friends, and I will sorely miss Mich if she does flee the state. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Linda is talking about bailing out of the Bay Area to go down to SoCal. Why is it so damn hard to financially make it here in the Bay Area? The housing market in particular is absolutely impossibly unreasonable. We are totally blessed to actually own a house, despite the crushing burden of debt it puts us in (and the type of employment it forces us into), and to have the education and experience and skill set so that we both can hold down decent jobs in order to pay for what we need. But we're still oh-so-slowly drowning here ourselves, with no savings (let alone a college nest egg) and the debt always growing faster than we can pay it down. I torture myself sometimes with the thought that we could cash out here and move out of state and have a totally different lifestyle (including easier or less work and a bigger better house), but I know we won't leave. Not only is this where our families are, but at least for me, this place (the Bay Area, in general, and Marin, in specific) is too rooted in my psyche to ever give it up without a fight. For me, this is home. But it makes me really sad to see my friends unable to stay here, and to slowly lose people to the vagaries of economics.

Hmm. From sleeping through the night to car accident to Bay Area bitching...I think this qualifies as a smorgasblog. I'd add some more unrelated stuff but really, I feel like I should go to sleep now that the baby's down for the night. ('Cause what if I *do* have to get up 5 times tonight? Sheesh. Now I'm working myself into a tizzy.) But wait! I know you've all been missing the cute pictures, right? (Yeah, I can hear the crowd roaring from here.) So here's a couple (don't forget, you can find more cute pix on Isaac's website, updated weekly):

^ Yeah, he looks like his daddy.

^ Mini-Josh meets Mini-Me. (And Mini-Josh is not pleased.)

^ Michelene meets Isaac.

Now, goodnight!